Emergency assistance to women experiencing domestic violence. What to do and where to go in case of psychological violence in the family? What should I do if this is my case?

Unfortunately, domestic violence is one of the most discussed topics in Russia. Who is to blame - the rapist or the victim, is it possible to beat children for educational purposes and is it necessary, in principle, to endure beatings in the hope of ephemeral changes, says family psychologist and psychotherapist Marina Travkova.

Marina Travkova

Marina Travkova, family psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist, member of the Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists.

What is violence

Violence is dangerous, harmful and no one needs it. Still it's big complex problem our society, and the main thing here is not to go to extremes. The basis of any violence is always inequality. A person who feels equal will most likely be able to answer something, stand up for himself - the situation will become visible, and he will try to get out of it. But where there is a hierarchy, where there is a manifestation of the power of one over the other - for example, a teacher and a student, a coach and the one he trains, a prisoner and a guard - there is a basis for violence. Another important marker is how people behave after a breakdown into violence. If this is just a breakdown, then the person will be ashamed - he will not relieve himself of responsibility for what happened and will try to do everything to prevent this from happening again. And it’s completely different when a person does not repent, continuing to insist that he was driven or provoked. With these words, he transfers the levers of his behavior to another person. At the same time, neither his partner’s pain nor his fear stops him - he quite possibly even enjoys his own power.

When women or men present to the hospital with bruises or bruises, this is just the tip of the iceberg. There is invisible violence, which in its impact is no less destructive and toxic than physical and sexual violence - it is difficult to detect, and it is not subject to either criminal or administrative prosecution. We are talking about psychological and economic violence. About situations where a person takes a salary from his partner, forcing him or her to beg for money, or about relationships when a person is humiliated for a long time and, through manipulation, they try to force him to do something against his will.

Women most often suffer from domestic violence. If we look at the hierarchy - who is weaker and who is stronger, then the ratio is clearly not in favor of women. Moreover, this applies to all aspects of life - both socially and economically in our state, women have little protection. She often depends on a man.

A man is encouraged by society to defend his rights - to fight, to brazen and active courtship. He cannot become limp or cry, but he has the right to strike. If a man cries during a conflict, it will be strange for the public consciousness. It makes more sense if he starts fighting. The requirements for women are opposite. She, on the contrary, must soften rough edges, be polite and resolve all conflicts with words, and for physical disputes between women there are offensive labels such as “cat fights.” A man's fight always remains this fight.

Violence does not correlate with intelligence or social well-being. There are many cases when educated and even brilliant people showed violence towards loved ones. A person can be anyone, a professional in his field, a high-ranking official, a doctor, an intellectual - his social status in itself is not a guarantee for those who are close to him. Violence comes from having power and the desire to hurt another. That is why it is found in any environment, including prosperous ones.

Who is guilty

It is never the victim's fault that she was hit. She can't be held responsible for a fist flying at her face. The one to whom this fist belongs is responsible for it. But society nevertheless often tries to find an excuse for the rapist and blame the victim for everything. This behavior can be explained by the social phenomenon of “just world”. We all know that we are fragile and mortal, and that anything can happen to us. But we prefer to “close ourselves” from this knowledge and live as if we were in control of the situation: if we behave Fine And Right, then the world will respond in kind. If I treat people kindly, then they will be kind to me. If I love a person and care about him, then he should reciprocate. This is one of the basic human illusions. And when a person is faced with a difficult situation, for example, a woman sees her friend with a broken face, the first thing she will ask will be: “Why did he do this to you?” This is a defensive reaction, an attempt to preserve the idea of a “just world” in which a friend allegedly did something wrong and was punished for it. We find it difficult to come to terms with irrational and unjust cruelty, with brutal truth our defenselessness and the danger of the world. We prefer to think that we are immortal - we plan things for years in advance and live as if we control everything. That is why the first feelings that the victim herself experiences are shame and guilt. The concept of a “just world” is so strong that the victim himself begins to look for cause-and-effect relationships and try to find the situation in which he behaved wrong Right. This is necessary in order to avoid making similar “mistakes” in the future. After all, if you behave

, then everything will be fine again.

The same concept of a “just world” says that if you are attacked by a stranger on the street, then you deserve the pity and support of society. Although in the case of sexual violence there is no guarantee that the person will receive support. Nevertheless, it legitimizes the fact that you are the injured party and have the right to complain. Domestic violence is getting worse. A woman may think: “It seems like I chose him myself, he is a good father and at the very beginning he looked after him so beautifully.” This makes her even more ashamed. And since none of us is able to turn off our feelings in one second, she can still continue to love her tormentor. In addition, it often happens like this: in the morning a husband hits his wife, and at lunchtime, as if nothing had happened, he talks to her and smiles. The woman doesn’t understand how this is possible, she gets lost, and stops believing her own perceptions. She must combine this image of him as aggressive with his romantic courtship, falling in love, children and family. It is difficult for her to realize that everything has collapsed. Only tens of hundreds of thousands of women are able to immediately pack their things, take their children and leave. But such women, as a rule, have somewhere to go - there are loved ones who will accept and support them. But if there is no support or ways to retreat, then the situation becomes circular. The woman continues to live with her rapist, and the longer she lives with him, the more afraid she is and the less she understands herself. Unfortunately, society has all the more reasons to say: “She didn’t leave.”

There are many reasons for violence. There are organic reasons: a person is incapable of empathy, does not know how to feel other people. Violence is often reproduced by those who themselves were abused as children. A newborn baby is a blank slate, and what behavioral patterns he develops depend on his environment. People prone to violence grew up in an environment in which there was no opportunity to develop. When they feel angry, they have no tools of control and no impulses to stop them. Agree, every person at least once wanted to hit someone or even kill someone. Why don't we do this? Not just because it's scary. We feel the suffering of another person. Our mirror neurons work, and we try on ourselves the pain that we could potentially cause to another. And it hurts us to imagine someone else’s pain. But if a person was raised with the idea that he is better than others, that strength is the main value and priority, or violence was used against him, then as he grows up he becomes a potential rapist.

People who practice domestic violence were interviewed and tried to find out why they did it. So, they had a lot of excuses, reasons: they just wanted to teach or teach a lesson, they themselves were driven to grief, they argued with them, but there was nothing - this is all a text that shows the attitude towards others not as equal. Your partner should be your equal. Is it possible to teach a child through beatings? We are responsible for him and are obliged to teach him everything we know, but to beat him and tell him that this is for his own good means destroying his psyche. Subsequently, he will think that “they love and beat” is the norm. That love is humiliation.

The most common myths and stereotypes associated with domestic violence

Violence is an element of education

Violence is not only bruises, bruises and scars on the skin, it is also a blow to the personality. Often people who have been systematically beaten, grow up and say: “They beat me, and that’s okay - I grew up to be a man.” But nevertheless, research suggests the opposite - such children behave worse in stressful situations and in adulthood have an increased risk of encountering various types of addictions, for example, becoming drug addicts or alcoholics.

Violence against a child affects various aspects of his life and has a negative impact on his future. The world is becoming unsafe for him. He has more relationship problems - It’s harder for him to believe that he can be loved just like that.

Violence is an expression of love

The phrase “hitting means loving” has nothing to do with love and can be interpreted as “you are my property, and I have the right to do whatever I want with you.” Even if a woman sits at home and the family lives on her husband’s salary, this does not give him the right to beat anyone - neither his wife nor his children. This is not love. Love implies equality - you are together voluntarily. From the moment of the first strike, you will never know whether the person is with you willingly or out of fear.

There can be no sexual violence in a family - between husband and wife

If people live together for more than one year, then it is unlikely that sexual desire will be at the same level every day. People may be sick, tired, sleep-deprived, and simply not want sex. And also not to want it for a thousand other reasons. And forcing a person to have sex with you against his will means raping him. Women, often driven by the fear of abandonment or the myth “since my husband, I must,” force themselves to have sex at the request of their partner, but this is a destructive and harmful practice. Neither you nor your partner are obligated to have sex if you don't want to. It happens that men get angry and ask: “How can this be, why doesn’t she want to? Why did you marry me?” Well, when I came out, I wanted to. This means that something has changed, and you need to look for reasons if the relationship is dear to you. Look for causes of cooling and eliminate them. But nothing gives you the right to rape your partner. Do you consider sex a vital necessity, “take it out and put it down”? You have the right to look for another partner. But don't rape.

“It was I who tripped and hit the closet,” explains the dark Sunglasses on the face, somehow covering a huge bruise on the face, a beautiful, smart colleague. And last time she slipped in the bathroom, there was also the door suddenly opening, her nephew with a tennis ball...

Domestic violence: what to do? How to help victims of domestic violence?

Domestic violence against women

Of course, many already guess that their colleague is regularly beaten by his loving spouse. And that’s the thing, they guess, but remain silent, like the constant “hero of the occasion.”

According to popular wisdom, it is not customary to wash dirty linen in public, domestic violence is even an indelicate, but a taboo topic... And a woman, out of powerlessness, thinks not about how to get out of a terrible situation, but about what she will say at work, what the neighbors will think, what opinion will be formed about her family.... It’s sad but true - victims of domestic violence are silent, ashamed of what is happening or even pretend that nothing is happening, and therefore it is difficult to assess the real scale of what is happening.

Domestic violence against women is not only physical, but also emotional. Continuous criticism, constant insults and humiliation, restrictions on personal freedom, instilling a sense of guilt, forced sexual contact - all these are actions of the same order.

The tyrant in the family “grows up” gradually and can be recognized.

If a man controls a woman’s appearance, actions, the time she comes home from work, checks her phone, social media accounts, and is cruel to animals, you should really think twice about it. But if domestic violence does occur, then you need to act without delay! Leave, write a statement to the police, tell the whole truth to relatives, friends, etc. But don't be silent! As a rule, such relationships have their own vicious cycle: tension, violence, " Honeymoon" During the third stage, the man will ask for forgiveness and declare his love. Women forgive, and then everything repeats itself... Of course, a shared apartment, economic dependence, children do not allow a woman to take a decisive step. And sometimes women don’t leave because they are threatened...

And if women still have a choice, then children, unfortunately, do not. The worst thing is that most adults perceive domestic violence against children as educational process. Insults, slaps on the head, ear pulling, putting in a corner, spanking with a belt, etc. - all these are supposedly indispensable elements of education, but how could it be otherwise? Many parents try to justify their behavior; it turns out that the child is to blame for being punished. This is how domestic abusers hide under the guise of educators and treat their own children cruelly and with neglect. Children cannot fight back and experience a feeling of helpless anger.

Why does domestic violence appear and exist? Sociologists and psychologists are looking for answers to this question. But for those who suffer from a domestic tyrant, the answer to the question is much more important: what to do and where to run? How to help women and children who are humiliated, locked up, beaten? Who to turn to if law enforcement officers, as a rule, do not want to interfere in family affairs, and social services and authorities are inactive? Questions that require answers! According to statistics, every day in the country 36 thousand women suffer beatings and abuse...

Using this life story as an example, one can trace a fairly typical pattern of how a woman finds herself in a situation of domestic violence and what happens to her next. Here you can see all the mistakes made by women who become victims of a domestic tyrant and remain in destructive relationships. After the story, we will look at 10 mistakes women make in relationships and how to avoid these mistakes.

This can't go on anymore...

I want to tell my story and ask you to somehow help me understand it, because this can't go on anymore... I’m 22, he’s 26. We’re not married, we’ve been living with him for six months, we’ve been together for a year. At first everything was fine, but there were warning signs. I didn't pay much attention to them. When we met, I was depressed because of the circumstances of my life before him - apparently, I had become weak and that’s why what happened to him and me now happened. Or maybe he’s just such a person... Well, or all of them together.

When he hit me for the first time, I didn't give a damn of great importance(it was a slap in the face). We weren’t living then, we were just dating. Then, 2 months later, while swearing, he twisted my arm and broke it, I walked for 2 months with a cast (this is very uncomfortable). In the end, I forgave, because it was an accident (not on purpose). Then there was a kind of calm without assault.

And in the summer he began to beat me severely with his fists until I had bruises. All this began to become more frequent after I received messages on social media. networks wrote ex-boyfriend, and I answered him. I understand that maybe I’m wrong, but it’s also impossible! I blocked my ex, and then I was completely forbidden to communicate with everyone, even with my last girlfriend - everyone was deleted everywhere. It happens, of course, that he is good, and this, perhaps, holds me back. Or maybe I'm just addicted to him? After all, there are more moments when I hate him!

I hate that he drives me out, shouting all sorts of nasty things at me. And then, when I leave, he comes for me at the same hour and asks me to come back. This is pure bullying! It happened that I wanted to go to another city to visit my father, but he was right there - he climbed onto the train and asked me with vows not to leave, he even cried. I stayed - and I’m a fool! Nothing has changed, if only for a while, not for long :)

I thought it was a matter of mistrust... We even agreed on a detector (for infidelity), which I successfully passed. But he still doesn’t believe!!! He constantly mocks, finds fault with everything, where there is nothing even to do with it. I'm constantly stressed. He controls everything, always call him - where you went, why and what you are doing. He can lock me up, and it doesn’t matter to him what I need for my business...

You ask not to close it, he hits you on the head with his fists, you cry in pain, and he knocks again... Maybe even in the morning. For example, this is already the 2nd day now - he goes to work, beats me and locks me up, but I need to go to the clinic. And yesterday he kicked me out again. I’m already standing near the threshold with the packages, and he takes them and starts tearing them and asking if I want to leave, as if he doesn’t want to. I say no, but he shouts that in a week I will crawl to him, although I said that I don’t want to.

Just now I called and said I went too far with my fists, it won’t happen anymore. Is he kidding? And so all the time... I’m tired, my grandmother tells me that I’m already sick appearance. I have somewhere to go... But I can’t, because he will call again and ask to come back, and I will melt again and go, because he was once normal, and I want to believe in it. But apparently it’s all in vain. I do not know what to do. They treat me like a dog...

Alexandra

Undoubtedly, the man in this story is typical, and the relationship is destructive, dangerous to the life and health of the woman. Alexandra has somewhere to go, she is not held down by children or financial dependence, she doesn’t even need a divorce. But she doesn’t leave him... Why? Something interferes with her in herself and makes her related to thousands of sisters in misfortune. I propose to consider these mistakes of women in relationships with a tyrant. What should a woman do or not do to avoid becoming a victim of domestic violence?

Mistakes of women in destructive relationships

1. Hasty decisions and relationships as an escape from problems

Alexandra writes that when they met, she was in a weak state. Yes, there are times in life when we are “not at our best” and need someone’s moral support - this is quite normal. It's sad that tyrants often take advantage of this. It’s so easy to win a person’s favor by showing sympathy when he feels bad, by providing some kind of support, even insignificant! And if a weak state is associated with a drop in self-esteem after an unsuccessful relationship, then the attentions of a new boyfriend become a saving signal for a woman that someone else may “need” and love her.

How to avoid mistakes?

You should not trust your feelings and assessment of your new partner when you are “in a weak state.” Don’t confuse your gratitude for support and the pleasant feeling of being “needed” with love. Just because a person helped you now does not mean that you need him for life. This does not mean that he really loves and cares about you. First, return to a “strong” state, and then see if this is your person, and how he really treats you.

2. A woman misses “alarm bells”

A woman tries not to notice the roughness in a relationship that worries her. She wants to believe that “this is an accident”, it “seemed” to her, this is “grinding in”, “with time will pass"... And all because she needs a relationship and enjoys attention. She really doesn’t want to be needed by anyone, and at the same time it’s difficult to refuse pleasant courtship... She really wants to believe that the search is over, she has finally found her “soul mate” - this is love.

How to avoid mistakes?

If you want to connect your life with a person seriously, you should not be led by emotions. It is the fact that a woman puts her fears and pleasant feelings at the forefront, agreeing to sacrifice more serious things for them (dignity, freedom and security), that makes her a convenient victim of a tyrant. To avoid this mistake, you should understand your value system - what is important and what is secondary. It’s like with a diet - what’s more important: a cake tonight or a slim figure for summer?

3. A woman does not attach importance to the first manifestations of physical violence

Forgave the slap and even the broken arm because it was “accidental”?! This is how you can twist your arm accidentally, I wonder? Did he not expect such a result? But the very fact of using physical force against a woman is acceptable and normal, it turns out?!

Where is the mistake? Even if a man does not directly raise his hand at you, but only swings his arms, throws some objects at you in a quarrel (even small ones, yes) or simply throws and breaks things out of anger - this is a very alarming sign! If a woman does not attach importance to such “little things” or justifies them by his “character”, her “sins” or “accidents”, she is most likely already in a destructive relationship.

How to avoid mistakes?

Remember that such behavior sooner or later inevitably turns into beatings. Turning a blind eye to this is naive! And if there was a slap in the face, then everything has already begun! A subject with such impulsive behavior is not an option for a normal relationship. He has no internal inhibition against violence, and you cannot change that. Decide for yourself that at the first such manifestations you will leave - no options! Even if he is the crown prince and carries you in his arms between slaps.

4. They allow their privacy and freedom to be violated

This applies to such “ordinary” things as “requests” not to communicate with friends or to remove yourself from social networks, reading your personal correspondence, demanding reports on every minute given separately from him, dictating what to wear and what not... The list is endless, but the essence is the same - a man is trying to take control of your life and personality, behaving like authoritarian parents with a child. And you recognize the “legality” of such control.

And it doesn’t matter how a woman explains it: by his “traumas” from a past life, thanks to which such behavior is understandable and excusable, by his wrongness and guilt for his entire past personal life, by the peculiarities of his character - like he “needs” to control, even jealousy for love manage to accept... Normal people respect the boundaries of their partner’s personality, his freedom and right to be himself. Normal relationships are also impossible without trust - and it must be there right away. Trust can be deepened, but it cannot be created out of nothing.

How to avoid mistakes?

If a man violates your personal boundaries, trying to change something in your life that does not concern him (relationships with girlfriends or parents, your work, study, hobbies, appearance), shows jealousy, begins to limit you in clothing, movement, communication, tries forbid Whatever it is for you, force do something, do something requires, forces you to “prove” your love, educates or corrects you - this is one of the undoubted signs of a domestic tyrant. This person - rapist. Run without thinking and without looking back! Only destructive relationships await you with him!

5. A woman submits to demands, obeys prohibitions, admits her guilt, tries to “correct”

This begins the destruction of her self-esteem and personality. As a rule, a woman calls this “working on relationships” or “working on herself for the sake of relationships.” She also thinks that with her softness and compliance she can heal his injuries, show herself and thereby earn his love, become the only one for him. She believes that then he will turn from a monster into a prince, like in the fairy tale The Scarlet Flower, will appreciate and love her...

But in reality, everything happens the other way around. Not meeting any resistance, the monster becomes more and more unruly, and increasingly no longer loves, but despises its victim for his softness. And the more you follow the rapist’s lead and “bend in,” the further he goes—this is the law. A tyrant is, in principle, incapable of love; he can only become attached to the victim, or rather, to the pleasure of torturing her. His goal is self-affirmation, for which he strives to break and subjugate you completely, to deprive you of your will, freedom, self-respect, your Self.

How to avoid mistakes?

Any concessions in relationships must, firstly, be mutual, and secondly, not touch personal territory. That is, we can ask another not to inconvenience us by saying About Me, but we have no right to ask him to change himself to please us, as well as to make him responsible for our condition. If your partner does this, he is wrong.

In a relationship, you need to defend your boundaries by clearly defining them. Until you identify them, your partner may not be aware of their existence. So maybe all is not lost yet? - It's easy to check, just without taking accusations, prohibitions, encroachments on control and correction of you: turn it into a joke, ignore you, directly say that this is your territory and none of his business... Not accepting is not just not obeying, for example, but expressing bewilderment at the very fact that from you "obedience" is expected.

If the person is adequate, he will apologize and will try not to violate your boundaries in the future. If he begins to insist on his own, manipulating relationships in any form (being offended, pouting, shaking up the rights of the “head”, referring to “love”, threatening to break up or trying to “teach you a lesson”), then it means that as a person you are not for him are important, but only self-affirmation at your expense is important. Is this exactly what you wanted from your relationship? loved one?

6. Tries to come to an agreement with him, appeal to conscience, pity, justice

The woman hopes that normal human feelings will awaken in him and refuses to believe that they may not exist. This can be understood, because it is really difficult to admit that there are unscrupulous “non-humans”. But they do happen, alas. If a person allows himself violence in any form, treats you “like a dog,” ignores your feelings, insults, humiliates, etc., then it will not be possible to take the relationship with him to another level - no way! Either you can come to an agreement with a person or you can’t—that’s a constant.

How to avoid mistakes?

No matter what he says, stop blaming myself behind his behavior - an adult is responsible for himself. You have absolutely nothing to do with it - he was like this long before you, and now he is only showing qualities that he initially held back. If he does not have a human attitude towards you, conscience, pity, compassion, then it will always be like this. No hope! He's just a moral monster - and there's nothing you can do to change that. Accept this fact and leave if you do not want to enter into a destructive relationship.

7. Believes in his apologies and promises to improve.

The tyrant's apologies and promises are worthless, no matter how sincere they may seem. This is just part of his game - by apologizing, he reassures himself that he is not exactly a “goat”, but kind of has a conscience, and at the same time he is convinced that such behavior is acceptable, since the woman forgives. He even tests her in this way - will he forgive her or not?

Normal people also make mistakes and apologize, but they take responsibility for their actions and improve after apologizing. The tyrant, while apologizing, does not forget to make his partner guilty for what he has done (in any form: from “you provoked me” to “with you I’m losing my head, I’m not myself”). And when promising to improve, he does not forget to set the condition: “this will not happen again if you do not provoke me.” Of course, these conditions are impossible, since only he decides what will provoke him next time :)

How to avoid mistakes?

Do not believe empty promises - only actions! No, he won’t change, and if you forgive him, he’ll move on. Your position must be firm. You can give it to him one a chance, if you really want it, but strictly specify the conditions. Depending on what we’re talking about, either: first correct yourself, and then we will resume the relationship, or: if this happens one more time, you won't see me again(and be willing to do it!).

8. Or maybe I’m just addicted to him?

Admitting your addiction key moment, which can be traced in almost every case of domestic violence. It happens, of course, that he is good, and this perhaps holds me back... The issue of addiction deserves a separate discussion. In short, I can say that this dependence does not have . The woman is dependent not on him, but on her fear of being left alone and the desire to receive the signs of attention that he sometimes shows.

How to avoid mistakes?

Answer yourself the question: are fears and hopes for dubious pleasures worth the violence that you endure for them? Even if you answer “yes,” then take into account that over time, the periods of his “goodness” will be reduced to zero, and his aggression will increase - definitely! You yourself can already see that despite his promises, he is progressing in tyranny by leaps and bounds. This is also shown by the stories of other women with the same things.

Also ask yourself: why are you making yourself a victim of your addiction? After all, it’s simple, the owner of which is you yourself! And in general, addiction is a pathology, something that needs to be fought, and not given in to it, secretly considering it a sign. Do you remember how you lived before meeting this fatal character? Your life did not begin from the moment you met him, before him you had interests and joys - and you can return to this previous page, continuing to live without him.

9. They are afraid of their weakness to succumb to his persuasion.

He will call again and ask to come back, and again I will melt and go. This does not happen to you “by itself”, against your will. Whether to “melt” or not is entirely up to you. If you take solids yourself solution If you don’t believe anymore, don’t melt and don’t come back, then no one and nothing can force you to do this.

How to avoid mistakes?

If you believe and return, it means that you have considerations that support this, and you have not finally made the decision to leave. So, you need to sort it out in your head. Deal, first of all, not even with false hopes, but with your fears and desire for “need”, because they are the ones who give rise to hopes. And make a firm decision.

To avoid the persuasion of the tyrant, to whom you are afraid to succumb, and also to minimize persecution, it is best, after parting, to simply stop all contact with him. This means: do not pick up the phone, do not respond to SMS or any messages from him, do not see or hear him anywhere. It’s as if he doesn’t exist in the world - you broke up, which means he no longer exists for you. Of course, we are only talking about a tyrant here - you can remain friends with a normal person after breaking up.

10. They hope that he will change and everything will work out.

Advice not to expect that your partner can change in the direction you want has become commonplace. However, many women continue to stubbornly believe that they can change him, or he himself will change under their influence or by some miracle. They even manage to make plans for life with a person, taking into account his future changes, as if they are simply bound to happen! At the same time, his negative and dangerous traits are ignored as a misunderstanding, on the basis that “at first everything was fine”, and the woman believes that it can come back.

At first everything is always good, because a person does not immediately show up, especially from the worst side - this is the logic of the development of any relationship. But if a person shows aggression, control and other violence towards you, this is not an accident, but his character, due to his life position. Over time, such traits do not go away, but rather get worse.

How to avoid mistakes?

If you fundamentally do not like some character traits of your partner, his attitude towards you, then you should not connect your life with him. And when we decide to stay with him, we accept him with all his shortcomings and agree with his existing attitude. It's fair to yourself and to him. All other considerations are from the evil one, and if you catch yourself on them, then it is better to face the truth and deal with those “cockroaches” of yours that give rise to false hopes and ignorance of reality. If you are unhappy with a man and even hate him - why live with him?

Alexandra, you also don’t and cannot have any hope that everything will work out and he will become “normal.” Everything will only get worse with him, believe me! Are you ready to live with him on such terms? You are lucky that the relationship does not last long, and nothing is holding you back. Staying with him is only your decision, which you make freely. And only you can decide to leave him. Everything here depends on you!

I think going to another city to live with my parents is an ideal option. And only then, when you are safe, you can deal with your thoughts and feelings. Of course, you need a serious revision of your priorities, outlook on life and relationships, you need work to increase self-esteem and get rid of. This will help alleviate suffering after a breakup, and most importantly, avoid destructive relationships in the future. If it’s difficult to cope with this on your own, ask for help and I’ll help.

I sincerely wish you to leave the networks of domestic violence and start a new one, happy life! Remember that what happened is just yours error in choosing a partner due to inexperience, you are not to blame either for the fact that he is like this, or for the fact that you did not recognize the tyrant. But now you will be sharper! I wish the same to everyone who had the misfortune of getting into a destructive relationship with a domestic tyrant! Subscribe for new stories from life.

Even now, in the twenty-first century, we often have to deal with the use of force in the family, especially in socially disadvantaged families. Typically, tyranny involves beating one family member against another. In addition, very often cases are recorded in which there was coercion to perform certain acts of a sexual nature.

The most important thing for the injured party to remember is that it is impossible to remain silent under any circumstances. There is no need to be afraid of the rapist - if you do not force him to reckon with you, the situation will only get worse.

The following will always help in resolving the issue of ending tyranny in the home:

Social Services;
Law enforcement agencies (and you can reach them even through a free ambulance call, despite);
Specially created help centers (some are even funded by official organizations, like).

If the guilt of the accused is proven, he may even receive, in addition to administrative and criminal punishment, a negative notice from his place of work, which will complicate his employment in the future. For this purpose, there are special laws, similar, for example, to Federal Law 294 ““, but aimed at protecting individuals, primarily children and women.

You may be interested in: Article 162 in the new edition of 2018

Statistics of domestic violence in Russia

According to data provided by social services, in the vast majority of cases, women and children aged eight to fifteen years are subjected to acts of arbitrariness. Husbands and brothers are the rapists.

Theft, Article 158 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. Details

Domestic violence against women

If we take into account the everyday use of force, the situation develops approximately as follows: the head of the family who has consumed alcohol (due to pay, or vice versa, debt) comes home and faces criticism from his “other half.” Naturally recently consumed alcoholic drinks They add courage to the man, and he begins to beat his wife (cohabitant).

European human rights activists talk about the possibility of sexual rape of wives by their own husbands, but Russian legislators find this situation somewhat absurd.

You will also be interested in reading the article of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation on theft. Details

Read about labor disputes and the procedure for their consideration

Domestic child abuse

Very often, children are the targets of terror - and the most common situation is a surge in adult aggression caused by alcohol consumption. It all ends with severe beatings for even the most minor offenses. Or, in general, without any presence - adults simply want to take out on defenseless children all their negativity, which has accumulated throughout their lives, because there is no one else.

Unfortunately, cases of sexual rape often occur - almost every day you can see newspaper headlines like “in the city of N, a drunken stepfather raped and brutally killed the minor daughter of his partner.” I would, of course, wish that these kinds of articles were lies from the newspapers, but, unfortunately, they turn out to be true.

Also read the main provisions of Article 228 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation in the new edition of 2018. Details

Law on Domestic Violence in Russia 2018

Punishment for domestic violence It should be noted that in August 2017, amendments to this law were adopted and now administrative liability is provided for a proven act of despotism against one’s relative in the form of a fine of up to 30 thousand rubles or arrest for up to 15 days.

Two points need to be noted:

Administrative liability occurs only for the first offense - repeat offenders who have previously caused physical harm to their loved ones will incur criminal liability.
In this case, only physical violence is considered, and not sexual rape, especially in relation to minors.

Article 333 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, reduction of penalties from latest changes for 2018

Where to go for help from domestic violence?

Contrary to popular belief, government agencies will provide significant assistance to victims of domestic violence - social services and the police will resolve the current situation. All charitable foundations and legal aid centers have no real power and can only act through officials.

Center for Victims of Domestic Violence

head of department psychological assistance State Budgetary Institution "Crisis Center for Assistance to Women and Children"

“Our organization opened in April this year on the initiative of the Department social protection Moscow. We have a department of psychological assistance, a shelter for 30 places and a department of socio-pedagogical and medical rehabilitation. According to the law, we can only accept Muscovites with registration in the shelter; a woman with children can stay there for two months: during this time we work with her on a divorce case, plan the division of property, look for work or new housing, and also conduct individual and group therapy. The psychological assistance department employs 12 psychologists on family issues. Since we are called a crisis center, first of all people come to us in extreme situations - for example, victims of domestic violence, working with whom requires special training and serious qualifications. Many untrained psychologists find it difficult to believe that one can live in such conditions for many years.

Both women and occasionally men come to our center, but judging by my practice, I can state gender differences in violent behavior. Women often use blackmail or threats in domestic violence, while men are more likely to use physical violence. Most often, aggressors and victims are those who have experienced violence in childhood - in our country this, unfortunately, is a common experience. A woman turns to us in two cases: at the beginning of a relationship, when she has not yet decided whether she is ready to put up with violence, and in those moments when she is afraid of some drastic actions and fears the worst. Many come out of fear for the child. Psychological rehabilitation can take a very long time: most often it requires working with traumatic experiences not only from the present, but also from the past - for many victims this is not the first violent act they encounter in life. Some people may never recover from abuse, but with careful work the problems can be resolved within three years - or a few months if the abuse was isolated and self-esteem is adequate.”

Deputy Director of the National Center for Violence Prevention "Anna"

“During the operation of our helpline, 70 thousand women used it, and for many years it was not an all-Russian number, but only a Moscow line. The helpline was designed so that a person only needs one consultation - it takes an average of 35–40 minutes. Most often, emergency phone calls are made by people who have a threat to their life or health, so when talking to the victim, you need to measure the danger here and now. Many women who have already found safe shelter turn to us for legal assistance. In Russia, the most difficult situation is for women living in remote regions: it is more difficult for them to get to a help center. Now, with entry into the category of rural women, they are actively working in Izhevsk, Irkutsk, Vologda and Arkhangelsk - small mini-networks of psychologists and social workers are being created there.

Now we have 7 consultants working on the helpline, the line operates 12 hours a day. Most often, it is enough to know the location of the victim to advise her on a crisis center in the region, a psychological assistance group or a lawyer. In some places there are no crisis centers, and then the consultant must help the woman plan further actions. The telephone lines are usually staffed by women - this is a proven foreign experience: in an emergency, a woman is more comfortable communicating with a woman. But sometimes the men who work for us can also advise men who rarely, but also contact us. Cases where a man realizes that he is an abuser indicate a high degree of awareness and a level of reflection that is rare in our society. That is why it is important, when the law on domestic violence is adopted, to conduct groups for male aggressors, where they will wean themselves from the pattern of domestic violence.”

senior lawyer and head of legal programs of the autonomous non-profit organization “Lawyers for Constitutional Rights and Freedoms” (“YURICS”), program director of the Samara Center for Gender Research

“At one of the meetings on this topic, Putin said: “This is a very sensitive issue, so it needs to be thoroughly worked out and discussed with the public,” and also: “It is very important that the law does not give rise to different government agencies interfere in the lives of families. It’s a very subtle thing that needs to be worked out.” If the president says so, then for the workers public services such a position can become a signal for non-intervention. There is no civil liability for covering up the fact of domestic violence in our society, and silent witnesses can answer only to their own conscience. I personally know cases of criminal collective non-intervention in the North Caucasus, in rural areas and small towns. For a very long time we were brought up in such a way that dirty linen should not be washed in public.

Now a victim of domestic violence who wants to protect himself has at his disposal the Criminal Code with articles on causing bodily harm of varying degrees of severity, beatings and insults. According to the rules of private prosecution, the victim must independently provide evidence of violence against herself and testimony of witnesses.

Representing the interests of clients on a free basis, as was done with the help of grants and targeted programs from 1995 to 2010, is almost impossible. Our organization, for example, is now in the process of liquidation; we have existed since 2003 and take an active human rights position. And my experience shows that closure most often awaits those organizations that are actively involved in judicial work, including in the European Court of Human Rights.”

Candidate of Psychological Sciences, employee of the Crisis Center for Women. INGO"

“Two to three thousand people a year contact us by phone, Skype and in writing - and initially we advise the woman as a person. Some of our clients, in addition to psychological assistance, require legal assistance, and then our employees accompany the victims in daily litigation. But we are not omnipotent - only police officers with weapons in their hands can do some things. Today, the victim must independently collect evidence, bring witnesses, write a statement and follow its movement through the authorities. A person with trauma most often does not have the strength and motivation to go through this path on their own. Even we, with our experience, spend a colossal amount of time for these cases to reach the court: the police either ignore incoming applications or make it difficult for them to proceed. The woman begins to adapt to this violence - she justifies her partner, and attributes everything to her own mistakes. But increasingly, in my work, I am seeing a new generation of women who are willing to advocate for themselves. Determined, they come to us after contacting the police, where they did not find understanding.”